WHICH FAMOUS HISTORICAL BROMANCE ARE YOU?
Got yourself a new buddy who you find yourself spending all your time with? Worried it’s all a bit…intense? Never fear! History and literature have been littered with bromance from ancient times to the present day. So take this quiz to find out which famous bromantic couple you and your bro most closely resemble.
What’s the one ship that never sinks? FriendSHIP! Anchors away!
1. Which of these most accurately describes your most significant shared hobby?
a. War – our shared lust for battle combined with a sense of valour binds us together.
b. Collaboratively writing an Academy Award-winning film whilst having some great banter.
c. Well, mine is when we wrestle – physical boundaries just drop away as we keenly grasp at each other’s bodies tensed bodies. So freeing.
d. Poetry – our favourite pastime is discussion of how we can continue the Romantic legacy.
e. Our love and worship of Yahweh.
2. You’re buying him a Christmas present. Which of these is it most likely to be?
a. The only exchange we make is the exchange of our resolve to fight for the other unto death. Also, what’s Christmas?
b. The perfume Glow. In-joke.
c. Lots of alcohol – I always prefer it when his inhibitions are lowered.
d. A few elegant lines of verse I carefully crafted and honed for his contemplation.
e. My robe and my covenant before the Almighty. Also, what’s Christmas?
3. Your girlfriend says you are spending too much time with him. How do you react?
a. That’s probably fair – neither of us have even seen a woman for almost nine years, so…
b. You mean my wife? Yeah, to be honest I think she’s just relieved that I’m not out banging fans and starlets – what’s a little time with my buddy?
c. Girlfriend?! Bitch, please!
d. Impossible as he was gone before I ever met her. But she does always bang on about how I never write any poems about her.
e. I’d simply take another wife. Or a concubine, whatever.
4. You plan a boys’ weekend away where do you go?
a. On the lash! Or maybe lead the Myrmidons into combat at the gates of Troy.
b. We’d stay on set before perhaps heading to a bar and playing darts using a board with J.Lo’s face taped onto it.
c. Up a mountain somewhere remote where we could go barebacking. On horses, obv.
d. I suppose we’d both go back to Cambridge to suckle at the bosom of our Alma Mater.
e. Hmm…he’d probably head into the wilderness fleeing execution whilst I seek to have him pardoned by my father, a godless King. After that? Cocktails!
5. You wake up, turn over and he’s lying naked next to you. You realise you’ve accidentally had sex. How do you feel?
a. Pretty smug about the fact that scholars will wank on and on about whether this actually happened for centuries.
b. Kind of disconcerted – we’ve made so many fucking jokes about doing just this on every chat show we’ve ever appeared on. But maybe it’s not so fucking funny to America now it’s real?
c. I’m horrified! I hope it never happens again. Though, if it were theoretically to happen again, I’d like him to tie me up and blindfold me then trace his tongue…
d. A little shaken, I’d never talk about it again but perhaps write a sober essay on the nature of Greek love or something.
e. OMG awkward! I’m afraid we’re both going to have to slay each other as is required by the Law of Moses and of Israel and let our blood flow in libation for our heinous offence. Talk about post-coital tristesse!
6. He dies tragically before his time. What do you do?
a. Burn him on a pyre then force all of our friends to take part in a range of athletics events. Don’t ask why.
b. Tweet a heartfelt RIP which would also express the profundity of our entire emotional life together – ‘I miss you, dude’ .
c. Cry a bit. But I might just switch Grindr on for the funeral.
d. Reflect that it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.
e. Chant a lament.
SCROLL DOWN BELOW FOR YOUR RESULTS!
You’re Achilles and Patroclus!
You’re a bromance-in-arms! Like the legendary hero and his beloved companion your vibe isn’t so much “you feel me, bro?” as “you philia me, bro?” You’re both fiercely loyal to each other and probably spend most of your time dreaming of shared glory and immortality. Downside? You’re perhaps a little too bloodthirsty – you’d fight to the death for each other, whether it’s driven by honour and fiery vengeance on the battlefield against Greek warriors or by too many Alpine lagers in the smoking area at a city centre Yates bar. Your friendship – it’s epic.
You’re Matt Damon and Ben Affleck!
You’re contemporary Hollywood’s most high-profile bromance. Childhood friends, you’re happy to ‘collab’ on successful film projects but also kick back with a beer. You both know the rules of true friendship – never mention each other’s weight gain or the tragic erosion of your boyish good looks. Above all – never, ever mention the 2003 “rom” “com” Gigli. Downside? One of you enjoys a lot more critical success than the other and seems, generally, to be far less of a total cock.
This is many things but bromance ain’t one of ‘em sweetheart. I mean yeah, yeah, yeah it’s a “bromance” but it’s the special kind of bromance that Mick Jagger had with David Bowie or John Travolta has with nameless masseurs.
You’re Alfred Lord Tennyson and Arthur Hallam!
Your bromance is of the kind immortalised by the Poet Laureate’s poem In Memoriam about the tragic death of his close friend Hallam. Yours is a true communing of the spirit in your youth, enriched and nurtured by the shared maturation of your minds through your noble correspondence as men of letters. Still, with such solid intellectual foundations nothing can take this away from you. Well, except a cerebral brain haemorrhage.
You’re King David and Jonathan!
You’re biblical bros. Having met in your youth you swear a solemn covenant to each other to defend the Chosen People against its enemies out of love for each other and the Lord. To be honest, you sound like you wouldn’t be much fun on a night out but you were the gold standard for platonic, godly male love in the Middle Ages. I still you think you may have had a little grope, though - fess up, fellas!
nbij wrote this for a fun, group writing exercise on the theme of 'bromance'. why not take an excursion to check out one of the other entries here: www.josietj.com